If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
