she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Vodka?
Forever.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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