pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
