I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
