i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
