He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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