so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
