there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
