You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Damn victory sex feels great
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