T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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