Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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