DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
