After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize