Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
