I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
