So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
