I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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