I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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