Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
