You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
