MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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