It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
