last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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