No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
