I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
