Moan for me like Helen Keller
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
