i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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