I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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