When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
