i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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