Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
handjob tips. give me some.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
where are my eyebrows?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
