i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
