What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
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She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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