i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
