so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
