im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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