bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
