he was CRYING into my vagina
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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