dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
