it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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