I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
