At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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