people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
