I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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