I didn't shave. On purpose
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
