I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
