Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
