does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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