alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Found your dick twin last night
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
