Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I wannas sexs uuuuu
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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