There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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