did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
