I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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