Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
