Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
