where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
