I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My ass is underappreciated
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
