Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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