Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
