I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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