I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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